I thought I'd post some of the gems I read today on my disgusting dating site.
you may as well just block me now if your never going to respond to me...
Ha ha! Wow, lets start with the lack of capitalization. I hate that, and I am super-snob about it. And what is that supposed to mean? That if I don't reply he is going to explode my inbox with unwanted messages? That he will stalk me? Hmmm...
And-
i really like your profile i hope if we talking more that if you want so if you want talking with me replay me thanks you
bye
What?! Ha ha. Ya. I love dating. It's the greatest.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
A letter
Dear last boyfriend,
Remember when we first met? I do. You drew me in with your wit. I laughed ugly and you didn't look disgusted. I remember when we were alone you invited me to sit next to you, and you rubbed my back. I thought this was a big signal to you that I liked you. But when I hugged you goodbye and left my face close to yours, you didn't know what to do. Ha ha, you underestimate yourself. I wanted to kiss the mouth from which all that humor came. And I did. I kissed it too long for a first kiss. But it was so sweet, you bit my lip and I sighed. I had to go after that or I would not go at all. I like thinking about that day.
You made me laugh, alot. And my laughter was healing. You helped me remember that I am good, and fun. You made me feel beautiful. And you made me feel safe, a rare and precious thing for me. We were friends. We had a lot of time alone and we spent the majority of it laughing and play fighting like wicked little children. In our private moments you healed me with your touch, and walked effortlessly though my deepest emotional barriers. For all these things, I love you.
BOS: That's all I can get out today Missing him a lot. Feeling sad and sorry for myself. I want to be married, I want the companionship. I want to say "us" and "we". I am sure I will be over it tomorrow. Sunday nights are hard for me.
Remember when we first met? I do. You drew me in with your wit. I laughed ugly and you didn't look disgusted. I remember when we were alone you invited me to sit next to you, and you rubbed my back. I thought this was a big signal to you that I liked you. But when I hugged you goodbye and left my face close to yours, you didn't know what to do. Ha ha, you underestimate yourself. I wanted to kiss the mouth from which all that humor came. And I did. I kissed it too long for a first kiss. But it was so sweet, you bit my lip and I sighed. I had to go after that or I would not go at all. I like thinking about that day.
You made me laugh, alot. And my laughter was healing. You helped me remember that I am good, and fun. You made me feel beautiful. And you made me feel safe, a rare and precious thing for me. We were friends. We had a lot of time alone and we spent the majority of it laughing and play fighting like wicked little children. In our private moments you healed me with your touch, and walked effortlessly though my deepest emotional barriers. For all these things, I love you.
BOS: That's all I can get out today Missing him a lot. Feeling sad and sorry for myself. I want to be married, I want the companionship. I want to say "us" and "we". I am sure I will be over it tomorrow. Sunday nights are hard for me.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Maso kissed Part 2
When I think about writing the events leading to my emotional death I feel like I am trudging through waist deep mud. I just can't. So short version. I was disgusting in love. The kind that is undeserved and not earned. The kind that happens because you connect. And I am an extreamly emotional creature. I feel intensely and deeply, even when I know better. He was terrified of what he felt for me, so he found fault and left. I glazed over, I felt so much that I shut down and felt nothing. I cried and barely maintained my life. Friendships suffered I realized later. But every day I felt I could handle a fraction more than the day before. I did not try to talk to him or see him or find out what he was up to. Very unlike me. And eventually I healed over the hole. When I woke up from this dead like state I felt stronger. And I felt intensely about everything. I was happier and more capable. The friends I had neglected were now a part of my every day and in some cases every hour. How had I lived so long without them?! I loved them SO much. I was bursting with emotions. I was better for this.
I will skip ahead and tell you what happened so I can post about my happy things and not end on the ugly.
Six months later I hear from him. He just wants to talk. He admits that I did nothing wrong and he knew it. He admits that he cared so much I could have collasped his universe, as he said. He should be happy with his accomplishments but he's alone and he hates it. He'd like to spend time with me.
I realize with horror that I am still angry, I still hurt, and I still care. UGH! Really? After what he did, after so many months, after a happy healthy relationship, I am still so tempted to risk again? So angry with myself. I give a little, I will hang out, (masochist) but I will not be his.
He fakes calous, if I am not his today then he doesn't want to see me at all. (Coward, he admits that if he saw me I would torture his thoughts for months.) WHAT?! I am sure I don't need to write out what I was thinking. And beside all the things you and I are thinking, he's insane. He will never let himself love me and he'd just run again. I refuse. The giant hole aches. I healed over it, but it's still there. I think it will get smaller over the years, but I think it will always be there.
Then a week or so later, I wake up one morning. I can feel the emotion attached to him, it feels like baggage, like an emotional sack of Jeff lying next to me in my bed. I feel another sack, for the beautiful person I just dated. I choose not to pick up Jeff's bag. I feel it's still worth my time to pick up the other one, and I moved on. It was that simple. I am still irritated at times, I still have a hole, though if feels shallow. But I did not need to die again. I am okay.
BOS: I hate these posts, but they are healing.
I will skip ahead and tell you what happened so I can post about my happy things and not end on the ugly.
Six months later I hear from him. He just wants to talk. He admits that I did nothing wrong and he knew it. He admits that he cared so much I could have collasped his universe, as he said. He should be happy with his accomplishments but he's alone and he hates it. He'd like to spend time with me.
I realize with horror that I am still angry, I still hurt, and I still care. UGH! Really? After what he did, after so many months, after a happy healthy relationship, I am still so tempted to risk again? So angry with myself. I give a little, I will hang out, (masochist) but I will not be his.
He fakes calous, if I am not his today then he doesn't want to see me at all. (Coward, he admits that if he saw me I would torture his thoughts for months.) WHAT?! I am sure I don't need to write out what I was thinking. And beside all the things you and I are thinking, he's insane. He will never let himself love me and he'd just run again. I refuse. The giant hole aches. I healed over it, but it's still there. I think it will get smaller over the years, but I think it will always be there.
Then a week or so later, I wake up one morning. I can feel the emotion attached to him, it feels like baggage, like an emotional sack of Jeff lying next to me in my bed. I feel another sack, for the beautiful person I just dated. I choose not to pick up Jeff's bag. I feel it's still worth my time to pick up the other one, and I moved on. It was that simple. I am still irritated at times, I still have a hole, though if feels shallow. But I did not need to die again. I am okay.
BOS: I hate these posts, but they are healing.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Maso kissed
So, I haven't been around. It was a good thing. Mostly. I died for a little while and couldn't post, and then I met someone and didn't care about posting.
When I died:
I deleted my account on the dating site (also for the millionth time) and was reasonably happy to be single and not looking. A rare moment for me, and a literal moment it was.
I was out with friends at a social get together and feeling smug about looking so good. I didn't scan the room to see who was attactive, or to see if anyone looked interested. I didn't care. It had just crept up on me and BAM! I was imagining myself single, and She-Ra like, running my life and not giving a second thought to romance or companionship beyond my small cirle of very good friends. (Very small and very good.)
And then I met him.
I had before and brushed him off. He was always with a girl and not my type really. I joked sarcasticly (as I always to when I am walled up) and for some reason he liked it. He added me on Facebook and began to hack away at the Jennlin walls.
He was genuine and funny and it scared me. I threw word daggers and said things like,
"I will not date you, Jeff." (We'll just call him Jeff.) He responded with,
"I am a good guy. It's okay to like me."
It wasn't.
I found myself wanting to spend time with him and still denied even to myself that I was interested. I was out with some girls, a good forty minutes from my house and decided to visit him rather than go home. We talked for hours. Not a moment of silence passed between us as we laughed and vented and debated. Finally I had to go and he drove me home, in his Jeep. I remember his Jeep. He talked still, and was so animated when he expressed himself, using his hands and smile to emphasise his points. He had lines around his eyes from years of laughing, they were beautiful.
He was fun, and that's all I though of him.
His Jeep pulled into my drive way and he hopped out to say goodbye. I wrapped my arms around him, and he slid his hands gently onto my lower back.
" I want to kiss you, but I'm a wimp." He said quietly. I turned my face up to his and my mouth was met by a soft, sweet kiss. A stellar kiss. He pulled me closer and touched my bare skin where my shirt had crept up in back. I tingled. He let go and climbed into his Jeep smiling. I was dizzy with post kiss bliss and fear, but there was nothing I could do about it by then. I liked him. I liked him. I liked him. I liked him.
MORE LATER BOS. This is good therapy. But I don't know if I will keep this post. It is more for me than fun. I will write out everything and maybe it will clear up my head. I lay face down on my pillow this morning, my arms wrapped around myself, and I could feel my own body. My simple physical self and for a moment I could not imagine emotions. I am just me and I am right here, and why is it I feel things? And things I should not, things I don't want. Feelings seemed so complicated and I almost could not belive that my body had more depth than what I felt in my hands. I don't know if that made sense. Felt like the makings of a wall. I don't know why I wall. I am just trapped inside with all my thoughts and feelings. You would think I would want to be more present in every moment so as to distract myself. But my defenses glaze me over when I am in distress. I will not die again. Don't worry. He killed me and I live again with new strength. Maybe not sense, but strength. I am stronger. I told him that.
When I died:
I deleted my account on the dating site (also for the millionth time) and was reasonably happy to be single and not looking. A rare moment for me, and a literal moment it was.
I was out with friends at a social get together and feeling smug about looking so good. I didn't scan the room to see who was attactive, or to see if anyone looked interested. I didn't care. It had just crept up on me and BAM! I was imagining myself single, and She-Ra like, running my life and not giving a second thought to romance or companionship beyond my small cirle of very good friends. (Very small and very good.)
And then I met him.
I had before and brushed him off. He was always with a girl and not my type really. I joked sarcasticly (as I always to when I am walled up) and for some reason he liked it. He added me on Facebook and began to hack away at the Jennlin walls.
He was genuine and funny and it scared me. I threw word daggers and said things like,
"I will not date you, Jeff." (We'll just call him Jeff.) He responded with,
"I am a good guy. It's okay to like me."
It wasn't.
I found myself wanting to spend time with him and still denied even to myself that I was interested. I was out with some girls, a good forty minutes from my house and decided to visit him rather than go home. We talked for hours. Not a moment of silence passed between us as we laughed and vented and debated. Finally I had to go and he drove me home, in his Jeep. I remember his Jeep. He talked still, and was so animated when he expressed himself, using his hands and smile to emphasise his points. He had lines around his eyes from years of laughing, they were beautiful.
He was fun, and that's all I though of him.
His Jeep pulled into my drive way and he hopped out to say goodbye. I wrapped my arms around him, and he slid his hands gently onto my lower back.
" I want to kiss you, but I'm a wimp." He said quietly. I turned my face up to his and my mouth was met by a soft, sweet kiss. A stellar kiss. He pulled me closer and touched my bare skin where my shirt had crept up in back. I tingled. He let go and climbed into his Jeep smiling. I was dizzy with post kiss bliss and fear, but there was nothing I could do about it by then. I liked him. I liked him. I liked him. I liked him.
MORE LATER BOS. This is good therapy. But I don't know if I will keep this post. It is more for me than fun. I will write out everything and maybe it will clear up my head. I lay face down on my pillow this morning, my arms wrapped around myself, and I could feel my own body. My simple physical self and for a moment I could not imagine emotions. I am just me and I am right here, and why is it I feel things? And things I should not, things I don't want. Feelings seemed so complicated and I almost could not belive that my body had more depth than what I felt in my hands. I don't know if that made sense. Felt like the makings of a wall. I don't know why I wall. I am just trapped inside with all my thoughts and feelings. You would think I would want to be more present in every moment so as to distract myself. But my defenses glaze me over when I am in distress. I will not die again. Don't worry. He killed me and I live again with new strength. Maybe not sense, but strength. I am stronger. I told him that.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
New begininngs... sort of
I did it. It makes me a little sick, but I'm feeling no other options. (Well at least not any at this exact moment.) I re-activated my account (for the millionth time) on the online dating site.
I always forget just how bad it is until I am there again. Sifting through countless pictures and profiles. I don't know why I do it. I find myself imaging what my life would be like with "LakersMan24" or "UtahGoodMan". (Who, by the way stood me up for a date over a year ago.) And it's not so good. I am 99% sure I will not find my life mate on this site. But I guess it's like having chips and salsa before your meal. It's not going to fill you, but you may as well do something while you're waiting for you meal, right?
I've been divorced for 3 years. (Hooray!) We're (we as in you and I) happy about this. I have 3 kids and a job, so my social life is as sad as the plant in my kitchen that I forget to water, also because I have 3 kids and a job.
I always forget just how bad it is until I am there again. Sifting through countless pictures and profiles. I don't know why I do it. I find myself imaging what my life would be like with "LakersMan24" or "UtahGoodMan". (Who, by the way stood me up for a date over a year ago.) And it's not so good. I am 99% sure I will not find my life mate on this site. But I guess it's like having chips and salsa before your meal. It's not going to fill you, but you may as well do something while you're waiting for you meal, right?
I've been divorced for 3 years. (Hooray!) We're (we as in you and I) happy about this. I have 3 kids and a job, so my social life is as sad as the plant in my kitchen that I forget to water, also because I have 3 kids and a job.
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