Maso kissed Part 2

When I think about writing the events leading to my emotional death I feel like I am trudging through waist deep mud. I just can't. So short version. I was disgusting in love. The kind that is undeserved and not earned. The kind that happens because you connect. And I am an extreamly emotional creature. I feel intensely and deeply, even when I know better. He was terrified of what he felt for me, so he found fault and left. I glazed over, I felt so much that I shut down and felt nothing. I cried and barely maintained my life. Friendships suffered I realized later. But every day I felt I could handle a fraction more than the day before. I did not try to talk to him or see him or find out what he was up to. Very unlike me. And eventually I healed over the hole. When I woke up from this dead like state I felt stronger. And I felt intensely about everything. I was happier and more capable. The friends I had neglected were now a part of my every day and in some cases every hour. How had I lived so long without them?! I loved them SO much. I was bursting with emotions. I was better for this.

I will skip ahead and tell you what happened so I can post about my happy things and not end on the ugly.

Six months later I hear from him. He just wants to talk. He admits that I did nothing wrong and he knew it. He admits that he cared so much I could have collasped his universe, as he said. He should be happy with his accomplishments but he's alone and he hates it. He'd like to spend time with me.

I realize with horror that I am still angry, I still hurt, and I still care. UGH! Really? After what he did, after so many months, after a happy healthy relationship, I am still so tempted to risk again? So angry with myself. I give a little, I will hang out, (masochist) but I will not be his.

He fakes calous, if I am not his today then he doesn't want to see me at all. (Coward, he admits that if he saw me I would torture his thoughts for months.) WHAT?! I am sure I don't need to write out what I was thinking. And beside all the things you and I are thinking, he's insane. He will never let himself love me and he'd just run again. I refuse. The giant hole aches. I healed over it, but it's still there. I think it will get smaller over the years, but I think it will always be there.

Then a week or so later, I wake up one morning. I can feel the emotion attached to him, it feels like baggage, like an emotional sack of Jeff lying next to me in my bed. I feel another sack, for the beautiful person I just dated. I choose not to pick up Jeff's bag. I feel it's still worth my time to pick up the other one, and I moved on. It was that simple. I am still irritated at times, I still have a hole, though if feels shallow. But I did not need to die again. I am okay.

BOS: I hate these posts, but they are healing.