Maso kissed

So, I haven't been around. It was a good thing. Mostly. I died for a little while and couldn't post, and then I met someone and didn't care about posting.

When I died:
I deleted my account on the dating site (also for the millionth time) and was reasonably happy to be single and not looking. A rare moment for me, and a literal moment it was.
I was out with friends at a social get together and feeling smug about looking so good. I didn't scan the room to see who was attactive, or to see if anyone looked interested. I didn't care. It had just crept up on me and BAM! I was imagining myself single, and She-Ra like, running my life and not giving a second thought to romance or companionship beyond my small cirle of very good friends. (Very small and very good.)

And then I met him.

I had before and brushed him off. He was always with a girl and not my type really. I joked sarcasticly (as I always to when I am walled up) and for some reason he liked it. He added me on Facebook and began to hack away at the Jennlin walls.

He was genuine and funny and it scared me. I threw word daggers and said things like,
"I will not date you, Jeff." (We'll just call him Jeff.) He responded with,
"I am a good guy. It's okay to like me."
It wasn't.
I found myself wanting to spend time with him and still denied even to myself that I was interested. I was out with some girls, a good forty minutes from my house and decided to visit him rather than go home. We talked for hours. Not a moment of silence passed between us as we laughed and vented and debated. Finally I had to go and he drove me home, in his Jeep. I remember his Jeep. He talked still, and was so animated when he expressed himself, using his hands and smile to emphasise his points. He had lines around his eyes from years of laughing, they were beautiful.
He was fun, and that's all I though of him.
His Jeep pulled into my drive way and he hopped out to say goodbye. I wrapped my arms around him, and he slid his hands gently onto my lower back.
" I want to kiss you, but I'm a wimp." He said quietly. I turned my face up to his and my mouth was met by a soft, sweet kiss. A stellar kiss. He pulled me closer and touched my bare skin where my shirt had crept up in back. I tingled. He let go and climbed into his Jeep smiling. I was dizzy with post kiss bliss and fear, but there was nothing I could do about it by then. I liked him. I liked him. I liked him. I liked him.

MORE LATER BOS. This is good therapy. But I don't know if I will keep this post. It is more for me than fun. I will write out everything and maybe it will clear up my head. I lay face down on my pillow this morning, my arms wrapped around myself, and I could feel my own body. My simple physical self and for a moment I could not imagine emotions. I am just me and I am right here, and why is it I feel things? And things I should not, things I don't want. Feelings seemed so complicated and I almost could not belive that my body had more depth than what I felt in my hands. I don't know if that made sense. Felt like the makings of a wall. I don't know why I wall. I am just trapped inside with all my thoughts and feelings. You would think I would want to be more present in every moment so as to distract myself. But my defenses glaze me over when I am in distress. I will not die again. Don't worry. He killed me and I live again with new strength. Maybe not sense, but strength. I am stronger. I told him that.